


Sempiternal

by frustrataed



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:47:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22052011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frustrataed/pseuds/frustrataed
Summary: You love him. You did back then, you do now and you always will. This is why it's your hand that rests on Rey's stomach.
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/Rey, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 4
Kudos: 146





	Sempiternal

**Author's Note:**

> Deep into that toxic shit :) OH, AND POSSIBLE TROS SPOILERS

> _sempiternal_
> 
> _/ˌsɛmpɪˈtəːn(ə)l/_
> 
> _adjective_
> 
> _eternal and unchanging; everlasting._

Feelings are hard. Hard to realize, hard to accept, hard to express, hard to control, sometimes even hard to live with. All it takes is a single moment of weakness to be utterly consumed and hypnotized into acting irrationally. Feelings are dangerous, this you know. And as much as you’ve tried to seal your heart from any unnecessary guests, you have come to accept that your human nature cannot be altered, it’s a maze with no exit, a cursed blessing.

It’s the little special moments he often shared with you, the ones that attacked the fort of your heart with such power, you found it torture to have to remain silent. It’s the look he gave you when you made a suggestion he knew he would end up following. It’s the way he pouted like a child when you laughed at him for being unable to take off his mask, it’s the smiles he tried so hard to hide when you walked into the conference room. It was his eyes and his lips, it was his scar, his divided heart and tangled mind that haunted yours, it’s his whole existence that occupied your soul and absorbed your oxygen.

The state which you were caged in, yes, there is a word for it. It had almost escaped your lips numerous times but you'd always managed to hold it in. You didn't want to admit it, not to yourself, not to him, not to anyone. There were more important matters to deal with, matters that successfully distracted you for as long as possible.

You were doing a pretty good job in hiding. Despite the frustration your commander's discreet flirting was causing, you stood strong and confident, ready to absorb his words, his looks, anything. But your thoughts were filled with questions remaining unanswered. Although they were felt like lightning bolts, smiting your head with every chance they had, you promised yourself you would never ask.

Now it didn't matter anymore. You weren't his person of interest, you never had been. What you cherished the most probably meant absolutely nothing to him. Sure, Ben appreciated your hard work and help as an advisor and a fighter but you were aware he could never give you what you really sought. To him, you were a friend, a good friend. A devoted friend.

A lost child. You didn’t remember what your real name was, where you came from if there were any relatives alive. All you’d ever known was working for masters that would always change. Embraced by Luke as if you were his own child, you became someone, someone that mattered in this world and had powers big enough to become one of the greatest of his kind. And during your training years, you met him.

You gave everything up for Ben back then. You dropped your training and joined the dark side because you believed he was the only one that truly cared about you. Because you couldn't imagine yourself without him, let alone fighting against him.

Luke put all his trust in you and you failed him. You both did. You couldn't help but let guilt consume you whenever you fell asleep. You had abandoned and betrayed him in the name of something you couldn't fully grasp. But you didn’t care about the world, you didn’t care about light or dark, good or bad, your attention was on the man who you had fallen helplessly in love with. So you followed, stood by him every step of the way and even though the person he ended up becoming was a fraction of what Ben really was, you stayed. Hoping that he would change his mind, hoping that you could slowly release the son of Han Solo. Help him break free from the chains of hate and revenge that kept him in the dark.

When she came in the picture, you immediately noticed that shift in him, the shift you’d been trying to achieve all these years. You could see it with your own eyes now. The bond he shared with her could not be described with words. It was beyond any emotions, it was connected to the force itself, unsurpassed, it’s...

What you wish you had.

But it was alright. Everything was going to be alright. Soon. That's what you kept repeating to yourself as you kneeled beside Rey's dead body. She had done nothing to harm you, you barely knew the girl. And it was clear as day that she was important to Ben. To the Ben you'd met when you were children, to the Ben that was struggling to get out, to the Ben that regretted killing his father, to the Ben you never truly had, to the Ben who was now redeemed. They deserved one another.

You had nothing to lose. No family, no friends, no legacy... You were just a person with a heavy heart, a heart filled with regret and fear. You let yourself get carried away by emotions and this was the price. Other than your feelings for Ben, you were empty, a wandering soul that never settled into something, someone with no purpose in this life. And the more you looked at Rey’s pale face, the more lonely you felt.

This is why the decision was not that hard to make. The battle was over and it was time to count the casualties. You had already placed your hand on Rey's stomach when Ben weakly ran towards you.

"What are you doing?" He knew, he knew well enough. He was asking because he was not in a position to accept it. His face revealed his devastated and desperate state. You'd never seen him like that before and it hurt you, it hurt that you wouldn't be there to see him evolve and become better, it hurt that you wouldn't be by his side while he became the best version of Ben Solo. But you knew that Rey was going to be there. And she was going to be better than you ever were.

You closed your eyes, concentrating on the force. Only when you felt a pair of cold hands pulling away yours from Rey, did you make eye contact with him. You shot him an angry glare that faded away in a matter of seconds.

"I don't want you to go..." He whispered. You offered him a weak smile as you slowly brought your hands close to your lips.

"Listen to me... I promised I would stand by your side until the very end. This is the end. And I am more than happy to have served my fucking best friend.” You kissed his knuckles softly, before pulling away.

"No, no, this doesn't have to be your end... It's my turn to protect you now, both of you. So let me do it, please." You shook your head as your eyes focused on Rey.

"Everything you need is right here. I have no place in this world, Ben, and I’ve accepted it. Leave for a few minutes and then come back, if you like. You don't have to see any of it. Pretend I was lost in the battle and smile, smile because I'll feel no pain anymore."

You wiped a few tears away from your face as you let out a bitter laugh.

“You were in pain because of me...” He whispered, voice trembling. You assumed he probably regretted letting you come along in the first place, convincing you with lies about the superiority of the dark side, not seeing this from your perspective...

“No, Ben, when you were with me, it would always go away. Remember, everything I did? My choice.”

You brought yourself close to him, leaning your forehead against his.

“Close your eyes and focus on me, okay? I want to show you something.”

And as he did, as he opened his mind for you to enter, you placed your left hand on Rey. You wanted to share your last thoughts with him, say goodbye in your own way, even if that meant splitting your mind in two.

_“Ben?”_

_Silence._

_“Ben?”_

_“Hmm...”_

_“Are you sleeping?”_

_“No, not really. What is it?”_

_“Do you ever miss your family?”_

_“I don’t know...I mean, yes, sometimes. Then I remember they abandoned me and I don’t.”_

_“They haven’t abandoned you, Ben. This is their way of showing their love, they trust you, otherwise, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. With me, Master Luke-”_

_“Go to sleep, y/n, night time makes you annoying.”_

Ben smiled to himself and you did too. You started feeling your body heavier and heavier, which meant it was working. Just a little more, you told yourself, hold on a little longer, y/n...

_“You and I are going to be good friends-”_

_“Too soon, Solo, too soon...”_

He was letting you go without knowing, caught up in your common memories. You were slipping away for good and there was nothing that he or anyone else could do to prevent it.

_“I’m not leaving Master Luke!”_

_“He tried to fucking kill me!”_

You felt Rey starting to shift. It worked, it really had worked. You were too weak to keep going. You abruptly ended Ben’s visions, you head falling on his broad shoulder. You were tired, all you wanted was remain there, maybe even lay down and sleep long and deep, have a dream of an alternative reality where you and Ben could work. Without wars, without hate, without death surrounding you...

“What’s going on? y/n, talk to me, please?”

You could hear him, but you were no longer able to speak. Your whole body felt too heavy to move. Your eyelids fluttered a few times before closing completely.

You were neither a Jedi nor a Sith, you were neither a member of the Resistance nor a member of the First Order. You were simply y/n. That name you were given and you decided to keep it until the end. Maybe Ben didn’t deserve your sacrifice, maybe he didn’t deserve you at all. Maybe you shouldn’t have followed that path, maybe all this journey was a total waste.

To you, it was worth it. Because, after all, you were gifted with the most precious feeling of all; pure love. And once felt, it lasts forever.

Your body soon vanished from Ben’s tight embrace.

An act of selflessness, not just then, but always.


End file.
